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Helping Your Children Through a Divorce

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Divorce is hard on children, and most children come through it well. What makes the difference is not the divorce itself. It is what the adults around them do next. This guide gathers what children’s doctors say helps most, in plain language, with the sources at the end.

The Three Things Children Need Most

  1. Less conflict between their parents. The American Academy of Pediatrics puts it this way: “Children prove to be more resilient and less stressed when there is less conflict between their parents.”2
  2. Both parents still in their lives. “Children do better if both parents continue to be positively involved in their lives.”2
  3. The same routines. “During times of change, even turmoil, it is important that children maintain as many routines as possible.”2 Same bedtime, same school, same Saturday pancakes, in both homes where you can.

How to Tell Them

The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry gives parents four plain rules:1

  1. “Do not keep it a secret or wait until the last minute.”
  2. “Tell your child together with your spouse if possible.”
  3. “Keep things simple and straight-forward and don’t share more information than your child is asking for.”
  4. “Tell them the divorce is not their fault.”

The last one matters more than it sounds. “Children often believe they have caused the conflict between their parents,”1 and most will not say so out loud. Say it more than once.

What Helps at Each Age

  1. Young children. Keep routines steady and rules the same, and give “repeated reassurances that the divorce is not their fault.”3 Young children “may react to divorce by becoming more aggressive and uncooperative or by withdrawing.”1 That is a child asking for steadiness, not a child being difficult.
  2. Older children. The news “may not come as a surprise.”3 Give them “repeated opportunities to ask questions and express their worries.”3 Schoolwork may slip for a while.1
  3. Teenagers. Teens “will likely want more details about the divorce and how it will affect their lives.”3 Have “open, calm conversations”3 and let them be upset without trying to fix it in one talk.

How Long It Takes

There is real comfort in the research here: “many children experience short-term, painful feelings and bounce back within 2 to 3 years after the separation.”2 Hard months are normal. They are not a sign you have failed your child.

When a Child Needs More Help

Talk with your child’s doctor if sadness, anger, trouble at school or pulling away from friends goes on or gets worse. A family doctor or pediatrician can refer you to a specialist who works with children.1 If you or your child are in crisis, call or text 988. The 988 Lifeline is free, confidential and open day and night.4

A One-Page Checklist for the Refrigerator

  1. We told the children together, in simple words.
  2. We said, more than once, that it is not their fault.
  3. We do not argue where the children can see or hear it.
  4. We do not ask the children to carry messages or choose sides.
  5. We do not speak badly of the other parent in front of them.
  6. Bedtimes, school and activities are the same in both homes where we can manage it.
  7. Each child gets regular time with both of us.
  8. We ask how they are doing, and we listen without correcting.
  9. The school and the doctor know what is happening at home.
  10. We know who to call if a child needs more help.

Sources

  1. American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, Children and Divorce. Facts for Families No. 1, updated April 2026.
  2. American Academy of Pediatrics, How to Support Children after Their Parents Separate or Divorce. HealthyChildren.org, last updated 9/29/2020.
  3. American Academy of Pediatrics, How to Talk to Your Children about Divorce. HealthyChildren.org, last updated 9/29/2020.
  4. 988 Lifeline, 988 Lifeline. Call, text or chat.

This guide is general information for parents. It is not medical or legal advice.

About This Guide

Written by Putting Kids First, The Original Online Parenting Class. If a court has asked you to complete a parenting class, you can start it at puttingkidsfirst.org, or find the page for your state below.

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